Please don’t try this at home!

I’ve read a few books and articles that expound on the idea of being totally honest in everything you do. If you read these theories, they sound like they’re just what you need for a perfect life. So I gave it a go. What could possibly go wrong?

If we’re honest about what we want and don’t want, we should get more of what we want and less of what we don’t want. That stands to reason.

If your friend asks if you want to go to the pub when you don’t really feel like it, just say no. Then you don’t need to go. You can do what you want to do instead.

What if your partner wants to the cinema and asks what film you’ll like to watch? Instead of letting them choose, tell them which film you want to see.

It all sounds so easy.

My day started with breakfast. My wife is usually up before me so she’s on breakfast duty. I usually eat whatever she offers, as I don’t want her to have to put in more work than she needs to. I usually have muesli, scrambled egg on toast, or a similar easy-to-make meal.

As usual, my wife asked what I wanted. She asked if I wanted muesli or egg on toast. I’ve always thought of this as a choice or one or the other. But as I was being totally honest today I told her I didn’t want either. She asked what I did want. I said I wanted a full English breakfast. She made it without a fuss. It tasted awesome. My day was off to a great start.

I was loving this honesty business.

After breakfast, I headed for work. As soon as I arrived my manager asked if I could complete an urgent report he needed. I often did these but hated doing them. But he was my manager, so it didn’t seem like I had a choice.

I was about to agree when I remembered that I was being totally honest today. But was it worth risking the wrath of my manager and maybe even my job? Surely I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I was about to agree, but different words came out of my mouth. I said that I was pretty busy and it would be great if another team member could do it. No problem, he said.

It was that simple.

2–0 to total honesty.

I started wishing I’d tried this total honesty business years ago. Oh well, better late than never.

My wife usually picks me up from work, as she finishes slightly earlier than I do and has to drive right past my office. She wanted to head into town to buy a dress for a party that was coming up.

I don’t usually like clothes shopping with my wife, but was happy to on this occasion, as being honest had left me feeling pretty awesome. My life was about to be transformed.

My wife tried on a few dresses that I didn’t like. I told her they didn’t suit her and she seemed happy with that. She loved how I was looking out for her.

3–0 to honesty.

Then she tried on a sexy dress. Wow, so sexy I told her. She beamed.

At this point, I’m not sure what happened to my brain. I didn’t think but just automatically said…

“You look just like your sister in that dress”

She laughed a little uneasily and said that I must also think her sister was sexy.

I had pledged to be totally honest all day, and so I said yes her sister was also sexy.

Then she said maybe I’d like to have sex with her sister. WOW. I wasn’t expecting that.

What to do? Mortally offend my wife to stick to my honesty.

Being honest had worked so far. I was on a roll. Maybe it would continue. Maybe my wife ad always had a secret dream of a threesome. Me and two sisters!

This was going to be my lucky day. Honesty won.

Yes, I would like to have sex with your sister.

I can still feel the sting on my face. That was the hardest anyone has ever slapped me across the face. In fact, it’s the only time anyone has slapped me across the face.

I’ll spare you all the gory details and skip to the end.

I now have plenty of spare time on my hands so you’ll probably see me writing here more often. I guess the upcoming divorce will make a nice story. Maybe I’ll earn enough from it to pay the lawyer’s bill.

The threesome is on hold for now.

The moral of the story is that you should be honest at all times, but not too honest. Honesty can end in divorce.

Oh, one final point.

Don’t believe everything you read.